Permanent
by R Lynn
Summary: one shot. Future AU. Inspired by the song: "Permanent" -David Cook Kurt has cancer and Blaine struggles to come to terms with losing his husband.


Kurt woke up; his head throbbing as it usually did these days. He blinked a little trying to bring the room back into focus. A face entered his vision; it was concerned and even scared. As Kurt blinked more clearing his eyes from post sleep, he saw his husband staring down at him. "B-Blaine?" Kurt's throat was sore.

Blaine's lips pulled into a smile.

"Hey, baby. Yeah it's me." He reached out and took Kurt's hand gently in his own, holding it as though it was made out of porcelain. Kurt may as well have been, he was so perfect after all.

Kurt tried to squeeze Blaine's hand but his strength was next to nothing. Blaine shushed Kurt when he tried to form a sentence. Everything was so confusing. Kurt saw and felt the tubes coming out of his nose. It was for oxygen. And then there was an IV sticking out of the back of his hand. It took him a few moments to understand again where he was and why he was here.

"Are you feeling okay babe? Do you need to throw up?" Blaine asked in a soft voice.

Kurt lay there for a moment. He slowly shook his head. This time he didn't have to throw up. Usually after each treatment he spent a majority of the first hour vomiting. Apparently sleep took its place. Not that Kurt was complaining. He hated throwing up. Kurt took a deep steady breath, his head still hurt and he felt light headed. Blaine stood by Kurt's bedside still holding his hand. Kurt watched him from the corner of his eye, Blaine was trying to be strong.

Kurt's eyes were so heavy. Every inch of him was tired, exhausted. He just wanted to curl up and sleep.

Blaine cleared his throat. "The Doctor's said you did good, they think there is improvement in the treatment." He stroked Kurt's paled cheek with tears glassing his eyes over but never falling. Kurt twitched a finger to show he had heard Blaine.

"Air-Aaron." Kurt finally got out. Blaine smiled and let out a small sigh.

"He's outside with his grandpa." Blaine explained. "Once you wake up a little more they can come in." He cupped Kurt's cheek in his hand. The touch felt nice and Kurt tilted his head into it.

"I'm awake." Kurt mumbled. "I want to see them."

Blaine leaned forward and left a light kiss on Blaine's head. "Mmkay, sweetheart. I'll be right back."

A minute later, Blaine came back in with Burt carrying Aaron in his arms. He pointed to Kurt in the bed, "See, look there's Daddy." Burt said.

The little boy smiled at seeing his Dad. He outstretched his arms and made grabby hands toward Kurt. Kurt smiled. Blaine took Aaron from Burt and went over to the bedside. "Daddy can't hold you at the moment." Blaine said.

Aaron looked confused up at his other Dad and then down to Kurt. He whimpered a little and stretched his arms again. "D-daddy K!"

Kurt opened his arms and made room on the bed the best he could for the four year old to sit. Blaine complied and set the little boy gently in Kurt's arms. He wrapped his arms around his son and buried his face in the boy's curly mess of hair. Aaron giggled a little and with his tiny arms stretched them as far as he could around Kurt.

"Is Daddy going to be better now?" He asked.

Kurt struggled to keep his tears from spilling onto the boy's head. He glanced up at Blaine who looked like he might break any second. Burt cleared his throat; his eyes too were glossy with tears. "Soon." Burt answered for the two of them. Kurt knew it was a lie. He smiled weakly at his dad. "He'll be better soon."

Aaron looked up at Kurt and gave him a toothy grin. "You'll get to come home soon then?"

"Of course honey." Kurt replied pushing the unruly hair from Aaron's face. "I'm not going to stay here forever."

Blaine put a hand on his husband's shoulder. Aaron turned and looked at Blaine, "Daddy, did you hear that?"

"I sure did. Come on, let's go back outside and leave your Daddy to rest, okay?"

Before Blaine could scoop him up in his arms, Kurt pulled his son close again kissing him on the cheek. Aaron laughed squeezed Kurt as hard as he could, it didn't bother Kurt in the slightest. Actually, he wished that Aaron could have hugged him tighter.

"I love you Daddy." Aaron whispered kissing Kurt on the cheek.

Kurt blinked and was unable to keep tears back anymore, two rolled down his face. Aaron looked concerned. "I love you too Aaron. Daddy loves you so so much."

Blaine tightened his jaw and lifted Aaron from Kurt's lap. He gave Kurt a reassuring smile that said he would return soon. Aaron draped his arms over Blaine's shoulders and watched Kurt as they left the room. He waved. Kurt waved and blew a kiss. Once the door closed Kurt rested his head back on the pillow and let himself cry. He didn't sob. That would take too much energy. Instead, Kurt let the tears just stream down his face. He felt like throwing up now.

Kurt had fallen asleep again, his dreams were usual scarce these days but every now and then he caught glimpses of people or places. This time around he saw Blaine smiling at him from the alter the happiest day of Kurt's life. He was dressed so elegantly in black. He reached out a hand for Kurt to take and in the dream Kurt tried to grab it but he couldn't. He was just out of reach and their fingertips were just inches from brushing each other. Kurt stretched but he could take Blaine's hand and slowly the setting and Blaine started to fade into nothing, but Kurt was left alone waiting and wanting to touch Blaine's hand.

"Kurt?" Blaine woke up in the char beside Kurt's bed. He had heard Kurt muttering something in his sleep. He was still sleeping. Blaine watched with a heavy heart as Kurt's face twisted in pain and fear, his hand desperately opening and closing. He whimpered. Blaine got up from the chair and took Kurt's hand in both of his.

"Baby I'm here." Blaine whispered. "You're not alone, I'm here. Ssh." He took a hand and ran it across Kurt's cheek. "I'm not going to leave you."

Kurt's body started to seize suddenly and the monitor started to spike, his heart rate accelerating wildly. Blaine held onto Kurt's hand, "Nurse! Someone! Help!" Blaine cried out.

A nurse and a doctor burst into the room and Blaine reluctantly backed away from Kurt when they told him. Blaine stood back his hands over his mouth, his stomach churning. "Baby." He whispered into his hands, eyes pouring over. The nurse and Doctor spoke in terms Blaine didn't understand but he knew they were trying to get the seizure to stop. A symptom of this cursed disease. Blaine had seen it happen a few times before but it never made it easier. Each time Blaine had the sick feeling that this would be the last time he saw Kurt move again, and the last time he would see his heart beat on that stupid monitor. After two agonizing minutes they managed to help Kurt ease into another sleep. Blaine licked his lips and watched his husband lay peacefully on the bed knowing full well that Kurt was in hell right now.

The doctor and nurse suggested Blaine leave for a while, he didn't want to go but he obeyed planning to return as soon as Kurt woke up again. He sat in the waiting room; Aaron was curled up on his aunt Rachel's lap. Finn, Burt and Carol were all silent. Carol moved next to Blaine and rubbed his back gently. Blaine buried his face in his hands.

"He's in so much pain." Blaine muttered, his voice dead. "The chemo isn't working, nothing is."

"Ssh, Blaine honey you can't say that." Carol cooed.

"He's right though, Mom." Finn chimed in. Burt clenched his jaw wanting to argue but he knew the truth. Kurt wasn't getting better, he was getting worse. Over the last three months he was getting sicker, and time was running out. Rachel glanced over at her husband; she was doing her best not to cry. She kept silent afraid she might wake Aaron.

"I can't lose him." Blaine confessed rubbing his forehead. "I can't."

Carol wrapped an arm around Blaine and pulled him close to her. "We know sweetie, we know."

As soon as Kurt was awake and allowed visitors Blaine went in first. Kurt smiled when Blaine entered. Seeing Kurt smile tore at Blaine's heart these days knowing that he had only so many left. "Awake again?"

Kurt nodded, "I am, still feeling tired though. And I hurt. I don't want more medicine though, it's just going to make me sleep."

Blaine walked over to the bedside and sat down on the bed. "If you're tired though babe, you should just ask for more. I don't want you to be in pain." He lifted Kurt's chin and leaned in to kiss him softly on the lips. Blaine wanted to kiss him as many times as he could before he couldn't.

"But I would miss that." Kurt whined, "and this, seeing you here with me. Just sit here for a while. I want to just look at you and only you for right now."

Blaine nodded intertwining their fingers. After a few minutes Kurt found himself staring at Blaine's hair. It wasn't anything Kurt had really paid too much attention to before until now. He noticed a change in his appearance over the last three months and it got to a point where Kurt refused to look into a mirror. He didn't want to see himself change. Kurt blinked and fresh tears rolled down his face.

Blaine tiled his head, "Kurt? What's wrong?"

Kurt forced a smile. "I'm not your handsome husband anymore." he confessed. Kurt reached up and undid the scarf wrapped around his head. He set it on his lap and slowly he ran his fingers over his completely smooth head, his jaw quivering. "I'm hideous now."

"No, Kurt. You're beautiful." Blaine urged but Kurt didn't want to hear it.

"I'm not though, I know what I must look to you now." Kurt kept his fingers rolling over his head where months prior there were full locks of brown hair. He remembered spending time styling it to get it just the way he wanted. Kurt remembered how it felt to have Blaine's fingers run through it. He cried. Blaine pulled Kurt's hands away from his head and again lifted his chin to look his husband directly in the eye. He knew how much Kurt's hair had once meant to him.

"You look like the same beautiful man that I married, and that I started a family with. You are the love of my life, and you'll always be that to me." Blaine said slowly, his eyes locked on Kurt's. "Hair or no hair Kurt, I love you and I always will."

Kurt leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Blaine's torso. It almost hurt to do so but he ignored the pain. He just wanted to hold Blaine. Blaine held Kurt to him and started to pepper kisses all over Kurt's head. "I'm always going to be here, Kurt. I'm always going to love you."

Kurt sniffled and nuzzled into Blaine's chest. "Forever?"

"Forever." Blaine repeated.

Kurt pulled back and sighed, he knew that nothing was working and he knew what the outcome of all of this. Kurt licked his lips stroked the back of Blaine's hand with his thumb, running his finger over the their wedding band.

"I'm sorry I won't get to grow old with you." Kurt said in a hollow voice.

Blaine inhaled sharply. "Baby, don't say that. Of course you'll grow old with me."

Kurt scoffed. "Blaine, I've heard the Doctor's talking. It's not working, nothing is working and it's too dangerous to operate. They won't risk it." He did his best to keep his voice strong. "They told me going into all of this that treatments may not work. I knew that people with glioma don't make it a year. I had hoped I'd be one of the lucky ones but…"

Blaine held his breath as Kurt sounded as though he was giving in. "Kurt, I'm not going to lose you."

"Yes, Blaine you are." Kurt said sternly. "But it's okay cause the time I spent with you was wonderful. I got to marry you and then there was Aaron and…" There was a sick realization that sank in that moment. Kurt's jaw quivered, he put his hands over his face. "Oh God, Aaron isn't going to remember me."

"No! Of course Aaron is going to remember you Kurt. He is never going to forget how special and amazing his Dad was. I'll make sure of that." Blaine had done his best not to cry in front of Kurt but he broke down in that moment. He wasn't going to see Kurt much longer. He wouldn't get to wake up next to him in their bed again. They would never celebrate their 10 year, 20 year or 50th anniversary together. He would never hear Kurt sing to him again.

"Blaine?"

"I'm sorry baby, I never wanted to cry in front of you. I promised that I wouldn't cry in front of you." Blaine choked back a sob. Kurt took Blaine's face in his hands and pulled down crashing their lips together. How many of these did Blaine have left to share with Kurt? Those thoughts nearly killed Blaine. He captured Kurt's lips again as Kurt tried to pull away. Blaine wasn't ready to let go of Kurt, not now and not ever.

"You said you would never say good-bye to me." Blaine pleaded, resting his forehead against Kurt's.

Kurt, strangely calm now as though he came to terms with what his fate would be, ran his finger over the wedding band on Blaine's finger again. "Then I won't say it. I'll just wait for you."

Blaine held tightly onto Kurt's hands. He couldn't imagine life without Kurt. Once he had "practiced" it years ago before Kurt went off to NYADA. Blaine distanced himself from Kurt to understand what being alone would be like. He hated it then, and they were just in High School, even when Kurt did go to New York that pain of not having him around everyday nearly killed Blaine. Never seeing Kurt smile again would kill Blaine. He didn't want a day without Kurt's smile and laughter ever again.

"I love you." Blaine whispered.

"I love you, too." Kurt sighed. He felt tired again, and a little sick in the stomach like he might throw up again. "Whatever happens Blaine, I love you so much. Even when I'm not around to say it to you know that it will never change."

Blaine nodded and kissed Kurt on the lips gently before wrapping his arms around his husband once more, holding him. There was so little time left and Blaine wished that he could change it. He'd do anything to change what was happening to Kurt right now. Blaine rocked Kurt and hummed the same song he sang to Kurt on his return to McKinley.

"And if you have a minute why don't we go talk about somewhere only we know. This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know." Kurt smiled and closed his eyes lost in Blaine's voice. It helped with the pain somehow. He took a deep breath holding it a moment before releasing it. If this was to be the last moment of his life, Kurt wouldn't have minded. Instead he drifted off to sleep in Blaine's arms.


End file.
